Tangled girl
This or that?
Arguably, the most ludicrous thing I discovered about myself might be that I can't, for the life of me, take regular, trivial decisions. Chocolate or strawberry ice cream? Uuuuh. Do you want the tank top or the off–shoulder one? It's okay mom, either will do. Staying in or going out with friends today? I mean, wait idk. The journal with the butterflies or the moon phases? Damn, I love both. Would tote bag or backpack be better for college? A backpack would evenly distribute the weight and help with my shoulder pain, but that would also mean sacrificing strolling around the campus aesthetically in a cute tote bag, a classic romance book in hand. Sigh. Tea or coffee? Never mind. The infinity charm or the heart charm? Thinks hard. Career choice? That's my kryptonite, girl bye.
It's not that I don't try, I really do. And being indecisive might seem insignificant. But you can't help wondering at least once if something is wrong with you when you're struggling with this on a daily basis, because why is it so hard to decide? Especially when it's not some life-altering decision. For someone who doesn't like being ordered around I sure don't know what I prefer sometimes. And no, I'm not proud of this. As someone in my early 20s, I'm truly experiencing what it's like to feel lost sometimes. I'm realizing it comes with a bunch of inexplicable emotions, lessons and opportunities, feeling like you have a lot of time and no time all at once.
You feel like a toddler all over again, exploring adulting, making core memories, rediscovering old hobbies, learning more about yourself, making mistakes along the way and learning from them. You realize you've started relating to identity crises and not knowing who you really are sometimes.
You see yourself struggling with even simple decisions, but that's really the whole point, isn't it? It's grating that you can't take even those easy decisions, then how are you going to take the difficult ones? The important ones?
I find myself both admiring and envying people in my age group who have it all together, or at least look like it. The way they have this effortless aura, like they just know how to go about things, what to wear, how to style their hair, how to interact with boys, the ease in communication, making friends, managing their time. I'm so in awe. I imagine it would've taken effort that is not visible to anyone else, but the way they naturally know what they want. Sometimes I'm really there, too busy tangled in admiring you to even be jealous.
So cool, babe. Teach me too.
Will this one be published on will it stay in the drafts? Let's see, I guess. On brand right?
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I ❤️ this. I was exactly the same way in my late teens- early 20s. I was trying so hard to figure out who I was that I didn’t want to make the wrong decision. But once I got to know myself and started choosing myself, it felt freeing. And once you decide what’s right for you, it’s like choosing yourself again and again. Over time, I realized I can like what I want without having to explain it to anyone. As long as you’re happy, there’s no reason to feel bad. There’s also something good in taking the time to weigh decisions it helps you trust yourself even more. You’ll get there, love. This stage is supposed to be an adventure.
This felt painfully familiar. I think indecision like this isn’t about not knowing what you want, it’s about caring too much, seeing every choice as a tiny fork in identity. Tote bag vs backpack becomes logic vs romance, coffee vs tea becomes mood vs ritual. Of course it’s exhausting. loved reading this <33 also my sister loved repunzel so the title made me smile :)